CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS Review
Say what you want about borderline Z-grade horror films, at the very least they always have amazingly bizarre titles. If there’s at least one area of modern day horror movies that could use improvement it’s in the title department: THE CONJURING? Okay, I guess. GET OUT? C’mon man. While most of these retro horrors usually fail to live up to their memorable titles, there is nevertheless a prevalent sense of “fun” behind these less than stellar films. Bob Clark’s (who would go on to direct the strangling BLACK CHRISTMAS and the all time Christmas classic A CHRISTMAS STORY) splendidly titled CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS hits these exact marks.
Outside of knowing the title (like myself), it’s best to go into the movie blind as it has some genuine surprises in its story written by Clark with assistance from main star Alan Ormsby. To put things as broad as possible, Clark takes a humorous if still at times deathly serious tone in the tale of a band of theater actors who for whatever reason, go to an isolated island near Miami to raise the dead from their graves. However, as the title explicitly states its best to leave the dark arts of dead raising to the professionals which our lovably “off” cast of theater thespians tragically find out as the film goes on.
As rough looking of a film as one could get (even for the 70’s), one can still feel the vibrant energy emitting from the cast and crew. In fact, the film’s amateurish look gives it that shaggy underdog charm as it really feels like the viewer was allowed to watch a group of friends dick around on camera and make a short little horror film together. Despite some obvious faults in its production (from shoddy sets to a rather langrous first act), there are still some surprising nuggets of uncontrolled genius to be found in the film’s original score (composed by Carl Zittrer, who just throws a bunch of shrill noises at the wall only to find chaotic terror) or even in some pretty solid creature makeup and effects that crafts some unsettling ghouls despite a constrained budget.
While the acting overall is far from good, the amateurness of the performances actually fits as the cast perfectly embodies a bunch of air-headed local theater geeks with the most aggravating/entertaining performance found in Alan Ormsby’s role as the leader of the troupe. Ormsby, with some seriously awful facial hair, looks and acts like a washed up wizard looking for just one crumb of recognition amongst his peers (or even the undead). As he delivers some seriously cheesy lines with full Shakespearean commitment, the viewer will find themselves questioning if Clark and his cast are playing a joke on their audience. Backing Ormsby is a who’s who of equally terrible/entertaining performances that involve perpetually spaced out zombie worshippers (Anya Ormsby) to constantly wise cracking jokers (Jeff Gillen, getting some genuinely solid lines).
Honestly, what really holds this back from being even decent is the fact that it takes forever for the film to actually get going in terms of horror. The film’s first half belongs to scenes of our actors parading around in either cheap cemetery sets or what looks like someone’s trashed vacation home as they argue and wisecrack with lines of dialogue that thread the line between genuinely boring or just plain bizarreness. While there are some surprising twists by the time the film hits its midpoint, Clark finds more solid ground when said ground is actually ripped open unleashing legit terror onto the screen. While the film’s budget definitely is felt in the film’s final third, CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS delivers some genuine entertainment as the film’s earlier moments of awkward humor and occasionally spooky moments collide in a quick and efficient final act depicting the dead finally getting some payback. By the time Clark lands on his final and humorous scene, audiences will still be perplexed but also entertained.
Only his second feature in a surprisingly impactful career, CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH THE DEAD at the very least acts as an entertaining first taste of the director’s leanings into both comedy and horror. While he never finds any solid footing in either aspect in this film, there are enough moments in here to make this a bad if never fully boring (try as the first half might) look at a filmmaker’s first work.
2/5
