VAMPIRES VS. THE BRONX Review
For friends Miguel (Jaden Michael), Bobby (Gerald Jones III), and Luis (Gregory Diaz IV), nothing could be scarier than seeing their own diverse and comfy neighborhood of the Bronx morph into something unrecognizable. But alas, that ever present specter of gentrification has latched its claws into our lovable band of kid heroes’ home and brought along with it organic meat shops, butter stores, and increasing rent. Truly, nothing could be worse than gentrification turning your neighborhood into something foreign and uninviting…except maybe vampires and lo and behold it looks like an army of black clothed vamps are also setting their sights (and fangs) onto the denizens of the Bronx! Indeed, for our unlikely group of school-age heroes when it rains…
Nevertheless, our trio won’t let their neighborhood succumb to these forces so easily as director and writer Osmany Rodriguez’s VAMPIRES VS. THE BRONX lives up to its title quite literally. Sadly, for as much interesting promise that his title holds, the filmmaker settles for a film that feels like a diluted (yet charming) scary attraction at a low rent fair. Seemingly his first feature and coming from a largely sketch comedy background, Rodriguez sets the scene for a film that will brim with unique character seeing as the film and its main trio of kid heroes hold such affinity for the diverse and close knit community within the Bronx. However, just like the vampire action itself, the filmmaker (along with co-writer Blaise Hemingway) creates a rather basic interpretation of the neighborhood, filled with a cast of underdeveloped stereotypes and non-original observations about living in such a minority driven environment in the midst of gentrification. While the film aspires to become something close to an Amblin-like production with its cast of precocious school age protagonists, uninvolved elder figures, and a supernatural threat, VAMPIRES VS. THE BRONX checks all of these boxes, but in the most uninspired ways, including the film’s necksuckers.
Looking like a tiny group of off brand BLADE cosplayers (which the film humorously refers to multiple times), the vampires in this film never manage to become intriguing in their literal and metaphorical forms. Led by the always welcome (if woefully underutilized here) Shea Whigham as their smarmy “regular”, a human who serves vampires in the hopes of becoming one of them eventually, these vamps casually start moving into the Bronx neighborhood, feasting on the residents on a quest for domination. While Rodriguez has his hands on a tantalizing analogy here with the life-draining powers of vampires and gentrification both, he once again lets things play out about as lifelessly as the rest of his film, letting characters literally draw attention to the film’s comparisons. Even the vampire action itself leaves a lot to be desired and yes, this film isn’t rated R but that doesn’t mean the vampires here can’t be at least be a tad bit intimidating. As a matter of fact, outside of Whigham and a surprise lead vampire, the rest of the vampires hardly ever talk (probably because they’re played by stuntpeople) leaving audiences with a (if you mind the phrase) toothless depiction of the undead. But uhh, at least they look kind of cool in black leather jackets and black jeans.
Nevertheless, VAMPIRES VS. THE BRONX, despite its unassuming character and style, finds some energy in a main cast that keeps the film afloat with natural charm and energy. While the trio’s acting talents are a little rough here and there (after all, they are kids), Mr. Michael, Mr. Jones III, and Mr. Diaz IV all share a natural chemistry with one another even if their characters are just as underdeveloped as the rest of the film. Even so, these three performers bring such a natural earnestness to their roles that one can’t help but be frustrated that they’re in a movie that fails to surround them with anything else that is just as genuine and energetic. Additionally, while he more or less just plays the same personality he does on his Showtime talk show, The Kid Mero makes for a delightful accomplice to the film’s protagonists becoming the only interesting adult character (except maybe Method Man as the neighborhood’s intense priest, which is probably the film’s best joke).
By the time the film finally reaches it’s titular showdown, VAMPIRES VS. THE BRONX settles things with probably one of the blandest fights I’ve seen in recent years thanks to lackadaisical fighting, choppy cutting, and sub par CGI. Despite it’s attempts to give a neighborhood its own fictional victory against the encroaching forces (both real and fantastical) out to get it, Rodriguez’s film never finds that moment of enjoyable catharsis; which is a shame because for all the faults in this film, it nonetheless manages to never lose it’s upright sense of perseverance which is a unique feeling to emit in any film, much less a mid-budget Netflix one. In the end, if you’re looking for a movie that constantly makes you feel like it should be better than it actually is, VAMPIRES VS. THE BRONX will work.
2.5/5
